It’s Always So Much More Punk Rock In Your Head

30 Aug

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The moment you quit your job.

Man, you spend hours of your life day dreaming about it. Re-thinking through every single bullshit remark you have had from your boss, every insane Health & Safety policy, every way your company shows that really just do not give a crap.

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And the stigma and discrimination against mental health can sometimes be truly unreal. It’s unfair and frustrating. You work hard but you just don’t ever get a fucking break.

And you think you’ve got it dialled. Oh we’ve all been there. You’re going to kick open the door to your managers office and Rage Against The Machine is going to be playing very loud, and you’re going to be assertive and passionate and witty and clever and tell them exactly how it is like some end to an awesome 80’s movie, like Empire Records. Yup you have composed a speech to inspire a revolution. You’re making a stand for humanity. Those assholes messed with the wrong employee.

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The problem is, is in the end, once your decision has finally been made, once you know that you are absolutely going to quit your job and you’re on your way to work to do so …. all that hate and anger just ….. melts. It’s rather disappointing. You try to keep it alive, try to replay everything in your head, but it just doesn’t work. You just don’t care. Because you’re free of something that was making you miserable. And that’s not an easy thing to accomplish. And your soul feels 1000 times lighter for it.

So, I never got to tell my boss how it really was. Instead I was perfectly polite, even quite complimentary. I just felt an overwhelming peace. It suddenly didn’t matter any more. Proving a point or fighting for justice or getting revenge. None of it mattered. I didn’t care for it anymore. I just wanted to walk away with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.

It just makes you think what other resentment resides in your heart that you could just let go of. When you suffer with an illness making sense of the world is sometimes a difficult task, it is easy to be angry at how incredibly unjust it seems to be ill. That in itself is a big issue to face, accept and make peace with. Anything else on top of that is just a drain on your energy that could be used towards your recovery.

Nothing is ever as easy as it sounds, but putting the past behind you certainly feels to me like a huge step towards the future.

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Be Brave. X

30 Aug

Be Brave. X

Liebster Nominations

30 Aug

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Lovely Vicbrigg’s nominated me for Liebster. ¬†Thanks so much. Here is her post on her nominations and her nominee questionnaire.

http://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/2013/08/30/liebster-award-nominations/

My turn to post and nominate now ūüėÄ

The Liebster Award Rules: 

  1. You must link back the person who nominated you.
  2. You must answer the 10 Liebster questions given to you by the nominee before you.
  3. You must pick 10 bloggers to be nominated for the award with under 200 followers
  4. You must come up with 10 questions for your nominees to answer.
  5. You must go to their blogs and notify your nominees.

 Questions For Me From Vicbriggs (http://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/) 

  • How do you dream? (Colour or black and white? Sound? Smell? Touch? Taste? What senses do you use or have available to you in your dreams?)

Sadly, my ‘dreams’ are normally fairly harrowing and traumatic nightmares or night terrors. This has been the case since I was very young. Often in my dreams, my character of me is aware that I am dreaming. My dreams are often present as movies, where I am watching them, and the credits roll. Often I do not feature heavily in my dreams, but I watch from afar. The first nightmare I remember was when I was 9. I dreamt of sitting on a train with my family, it was night and in the distance I saw a flare go off. I asked my Dad what it was. He said he did not know. We sat in silence watching the flare light up the sky far away. Then the dream panned across the dar fields that lay between the train and the flare, and I saw the scene of a space station burning down. I saw two Chinese men in a small pod, they were trying to get the doors open. The alarms were going off. They were so hot and screaming. I saw their skin melt as the temperature rose. The flames encased the pod and I watch them burn. Although, dream me did not. She sat happily on the train wondering what was going on. ¬†…. Like I said , not pleasant dreams!¬†

  • What were you like as a child?

I had a crazy imagination that I could get lost with. Although I was sociable and liked kids I was content in solitude in the made up world of mine. I was a tom boy. I loved my bike, i loved climbing trees. I never owned a barbie. I wanted Monster In My Pocket. 

  • What is your favourite memory of a loved one?

What a question! So many loved ones, so many memories! My Little Sister, 13 years my junior, when she was 4 years old had been asked repeatedly by mum to go get ready for bed. She was waving some paper together apparently to make ‘shoes’. On the last attempt, my mum came into the room and said “Fenella!” My sister, with her back to my mum, put her hand up and said “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to interrupt an artist”. Haha. God knows where she had picked that line up from!¬†

  • What, if anything, would you have done differently if you could go back in time?

our past. That said, I would love to take back any hurt I have caused people. But if there was anything I could have changed, It would have been to have sent the half finished text to my gorgeous friend. She took her own life last year after years in severe pain from an eating disorder.  I wish she could have read that text. I regret that very much. 

  • Do you remember your first kiss?

Erm, yes. Haha. It was in IKON on a ‘nappy-night’ (7pm-11pm for under 18’s) when I was 14. It was a dance and a grind with some chavy lad called Dean. Romantic!¬†

What do you see as the purpose of life?

To make a difference to another’s. To contribute somehow, even if to just one person. To love. To explore. To observer beauty and hell. To change and to grow.¬†

  • What matters the most to you now?

RIght now, what matters most is living a wholesome, honest, good life. I have made many mistakes. I would like to wake up every day knowing I have tried my best. 

  • How do you feel about owls?

Well I think they are bloody marvellous! And wise, obviously. :p 

  • When did you last walk barefoot through the grass?

Yesterday. I’ve always been a little on the ferrel side. I’m not one for shoes.¬†

 

  • Where is the place you go to when you want to recharge?

Pinterest? Ha just joking. I love being by the sea. But I feel rested in my room surrounded my books with my music on. 

OK SO MY NOMINATIONS FOR BLOGS WITH UNDER 200 FOLLOWERS: 

  1. http://theparttimewriter.wordpress.com/2013/08/29/making-things-more-complicated/
  2. http://leifb73.com/
  3. http://theconstantbattleforlife.wordpress.com/
  4. http://730deepbreaths.wordpress.com/
  5. http://searching4solace.wordpress.com/
  6. http://landmark97.com/
  7. http://teddyshabbae.wordpress.com/
  8. http://24hourzen.wordpress.com/
  9. http://invisibleflaw.wordpress.com/
  10. http://skatingthru2012.com/

And my 10 Questions for you to answer: 

  1. What is the song that you can remember crying you heart out to the most? 
  2. What is your favourite quote / passage from a book? 
  3. In your favourite childhood movie, what scene do you wish you could reinact?
  4. I’m coming over for dinner! What you making me?¬†
  5. What celebrity makes you really laugh? 
  6. If you could fight one cause what would it be?
  7. Where is the best view you have seen in the world? 
  8. You get £1000 ($), you have to spend it on yourself. What do you buy? 
  9. What is the story behind your best scar? 
  10. You get to make a documentary! What do you make it on? 

Enjoy! ūüôā¬†

 

 

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30 Aug

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Kicking Corporates Ass.

29 Aug

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Holding down a job with a mental illness can be infuriatingly hard. If not impossible. 

I have had 13 weeks off sick this year. A combination of anxiety, depression and insomnia make turning up to work every day, the biggest challenge of my day. My insomnia is mainly to blame for this. With anything up to 56 hours without sleep, I am still expected to turn up to work. This is not only extremely detrimental to my health – both mental and physical – but of absolutely no use to my employer. It is a tricky situation with no easy resolution, but one thing is for sure … there are certain things in life that really, someone with mental health problems can probably just do without.¬†

In fact, scrap that … everyone¬†could do without.¬†

Why in the US and UK do we make life so hard for ourselves?

It certainly isn’t the case (on the whole) in other European countries or Australia for example. Yet, here in the UK for definite, we have a real obsession of making work a thoroughly miserable place to be. We have created this bizarre requirement to spend 40 hours of the week acting like someone you are not, doing a job you hate with people you don’t like.

You don’t need a mental illness to get some perspective.¬†

This life is short and stunningly beautiful. What clothes we wear, what language we use, the way we sit on a chair, the colour of our hair, whether we clear our desks down properly, whether we sign the fire register, whether we turn up for work 10 mins early, one time, one minute later, or an hour late … None of it, absolutely none of it, matters. In any way.¬†

Working hard, using your initiative, being passionate, being honest, being loyal, being¬†kind,¬†making people smile.¬†That¬†is what matters. And if you can do that, if you can do your work well and you cause no harm to anyone … why the hell does it matter if you did it in flip flops?¬†

We are being paid less, to work longer, under more and more insane rules and constraints. And it is benefiting no one. Stress, depression, anxiety: all on the rise. People are miserable. We were not made to be machines. And for me, today was the day I pulled the plug. 

After 6 years of worrying myself sick (literally) about work, I finally realised that it was just insane to invest so much thought and concern into something that quite frankly I just don’t care about. What if I used all that energy on something that I¬†did¬†care about.¬†

It’s not as easy as it sounds, dream jobs don’t just fall on your lap and in reality even to get another crappy job is no walk in the park these days. But a time comes when you have to remind yourself :

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For me, working under insane expectations, having to be a moderated version of myself … It just doesn’t make any sense. The corporate world and it’s red tape just does not make any sense. Unless you are actually wanting your soul to be sucked completely dry. If so, then it makes perfect sense.¬†

For me, it was time to hand in my resignation and search for a way of not hating 40 hours of every single week.  And as per the drawing at the top, I am now free to pee whenever I so choose. True liberation!! 

Space

29 Aug

Lovely little thought blogged by Nhan-Fiction

Nhan Fiction

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The Biggest Battle: Ignorance

29 Aug

The Biggest Battle: Ignorance

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